The Slow Walk of Healing

Man, did I have a bad year in 2019. I remember having to “call a friend,” when she posted on one of her social media accounts that anyone could reach out to her if they were having suicidal thoughts. That was me. I was literally suicidal in 2019. It was bad, really bad.

I lost everything that year. I lost professional relationships. I lost friends. I lost all my income. I lost my apartment. In some ways, I even lost my kids. I had to put all my worldly belongings into storage, pack up the cat, some clothes and drive to (fucking) South Dakota and stay in my sister’s attic. What a shit show. I hit a cruel rock bottom without any of the upside of the raucous good time that normally accompanies an addiction. My life was effectively over.

It got a little better over the summer of 2019 as I started to relax and enjoy the beauty of the high plains. But, by the fall, I realized I had to take care of my financial affairs and head back to Florida. A series of extremely unfortunate events occurred when I did, and thus, 2020 began almost as badly as 2019 had… and then… the PANDEMIC.

WTAF.

So. As I rolled into 2021, drained of my savings, my IRA, all my worldly assets, even without a car, I had to rebuild. Alone.

But I did rebuild. As I’ve done time and time again in my life. This time, I had the luxury, the privilege, of not having to support anyone but myself (and my trusty comfort cat).

I invested in my mental, spiritual, and physical well-being. I took the opportunity to finally explore the dark depths of my life experience and begin the healing process than I had suppressed for all my adult life. Two words: complex trauma.

I started an intense, regular regime of therapy. I made a commitment to lose the weight I’d gained over the pandemic (done) and continue on my path, and I opened my heart and soul to the Universe.

I recently described myself as “Christian+.” I was raised a Christian, yet I find there is something magnificent going on out there that cannot be explained by any religious dogma. It has links to science and it is beyond human comprehension. I fall in with Albert Einstein here with this thinking:

“One thing I have learned in a long life: that all our science, measured against reality, is primitive and childlike. We still do not know one thousandth of one percent of what nature has revealed to us. It is entirely possible that behind the perception of our senses, worlds are hidden of which we are unaware.”

Albert Einstein

I started writing. Really writing. Writing stories from my life. Writing features in magazines. I began taking photos and now consider myself an amateur photographer. I started a film production company that is meeting with some success. I became engaged in civic responsibility and am serving on a few boards where I’m making a contribution. I consciously made the decision to Marie Kondo my social network. If a person I’m connected to is not sparking joy in some way in my life, I quietly disconnect. I aligned my priorities around “what matters.”

Unless the health market spurs a breakthrough in affordable, adult longevity, I realize I only have a couple more decades on the planet. My goal is to live out the rest of my days enjoying my best life.

Today– heading into the fall of 2021, I’m centered, strong, grounded, and connected. I’m traveling to the beat of a different drummer that maybe only I can hear. And I’m okay with that.

Namaste.

An Artist’s Life

I’ve joined a local artist’s group on Zoom to pass the pandemic confinement. I enjoy sharing my amateur photography and learning about the artist scene here in Northeast SD. I’ve been writing a lot more too, getting closer to signing up for a writing course to learn how to write officially. After all these years. Might take a photography course too.

Best of all, I’ve begun weekly sessions with a therapist. So helpful.

Life is good.

Best, bestest news: first vaccine on Monday!

Update: I have a photography website now.

‘Tis the Season

So, it’s Christmas Eve.

I’m holed up in my apartment with the trusty cat. I made a decision not to see anyone because of the pandemic that has been raging here in South Dakota. We’re so close. The vaccination has already made its way to frontline medical staff, and soon enough, maybe the spring/summer, we should all be vaccinated.

I figured I could just pretend this Christmas was not happening. Kind of delete it from my calendar.

I didn’t buy a tree.

I didn’t make cookies, or put up lights, or any kind of decorations.

I’m not even listening to Christmas music.

I’m just in denial about the holiday.

Yet…

This morning, when I walked out from the bedroom, I noticed nature had decorated for me. There is a beautiful pine tree outside my window in my living room. The artful way the frost framed the window with the sun shining through the branches just made me smile.

I tried to photograph it. It looks better in person. Wish you were here to enjoy it with me.

Merry Christmas y’all.

A close-up of the frost